My mind is struggling with putting down the words to describe my conflicted reasoning. It seems I have come up to face a paradox of faith: Trusting in God while trying to make sense out of my troubles. Trying to determine what it is I should be doing, is not always a clear and concise path. It plays out something like this: Do I trust God? Yes! Do I know what it is I should be doing? No! Is God with me? Yes! Does God love me? Yes! Is God directing my path? Yes! Well, maybe. I sure hope so! Of course he is! But maybe I’m not listening. Do I need to be listening? I really need to get a handle on this!
I could go on indefinitely, but I think you get the point.
I finally came to the conclusion after asking for prayer, that I need to stop trying to figure this all out and trust the process. I don’t need to depend on my own knowledge or reasoning, I need the support of my husband, my family, my praying friends, and professionals who are equipped with knowledge and skills that I don’t have. I’m discovering just how uncomfortable I get when I don’t feel I have control and it took me giving in to tears to realize the fact that I don’t have control. Understanding that free will is not controlling your life, it is choosing your response to life. I’m am so thankful for the scripture: “If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” (Romans 8:31b NLT) Knowing I can trust, even in my inability to know the exact plan, I have a God who more than makes up for my deficiencies.
I think I’ll take some time just to sit in his lap.
Is it time for you to give in to the tears? Go ahead. There is more than enough room in God’s lap for you, too!