I hope nobody reads this, but honestly I really do want people to read it. Read it and comment on it and like it. Why? Because innately it affirms that I have value. So why would I hope nobody would read this? Because God is trying to teach me a hard lesson. In my reading, he is teaching me that it is not what others think of me or even what I think of myself that gives me value. It is not my writing or what I do that defines who I am. My identity is firmly rooted in my being his daughter, all else is just temporary.
Writing my blog or writing my novel, I feel like a tiny minnow in a huge ocean. Last week when I posted my blog, being obedient to my call, and pouring my heart on the page, I felt devastated when the response was not there. Immediately I devalued myself and was ready to throw in the towel on my writing. I knew in my heart that God was gently opening a festering wound, and I was recoiling in fear and pain. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ”an audience of one.” He was reminding me that before I could go forward I needed to surrender my need for recognition and affirmation from the world. He brought to mind his name spoken by Hagar – El Roi.
So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” Genesis 16:13 ESV
My lesson wasn’t over. My friend posted a link to a song on YouTube, which she has done many times and it has always been such a salve to my soul. This time I was shattered. I saw the worshippers pouring out their hearts in a huge church and I was jealous. I wanted to be them, talented, submitted, serving, and surrounded by people who were taken into God’s presence. I wondered if God was bigger in a big church and smaller in a small church. I worship in a small church and now that we are live streaming, I watch it back and have become so critical of every sour note I hear myself sing. I was ready to give up singing altogether.
I was not liking this lesson. I knew where God was taking me, but I kept getting stuck in the mire. Could I surrender my pride? Could I follow God without expectation? He brought me to this next verse:
So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. 1 Corinthians 3:7 ESV
In loving obedience to his leading, I must leave the outcomes to him. In this earthen vessel, called Sandy, abides his glory. What other people think of me is inconsequential in the larger scheme of things; whether I get read, or heard, or liked. Even my own condemnation is false. When I see myself as the daughter of my heavenly Father, his love drives me. I believe his love is what people will receive through me, but in his timing, not mine.