I Hope Nobody Reads This

I hope nobody reads this, but honestly I really do want people to read it. Read it and comment on it and like it. Why? Because innately it affirms that I have value. So why would I hope nobody would read this? Because God is trying to teach me a hard lesson. In my reading, he is teaching me that it is not what others think of me or even what I think of myself that gives me value. It is not my writing or what I do that defines who I am. My identity is firmly rooted in my being his daughter, all else is just temporary.

Writing my blog or writing my novel, I feel like a tiny minnow in a huge ocean. Last week when I posted my blog, being obedient to my call, and pouring my heart on the page, I felt devastated when the response was not there. Immediately I devalued myself and was ready to throw in the towel on my writing. I knew in my heart that God was gently opening a festering wound, and I was recoiling in fear and pain. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ”an audience of one.” He was reminding me that before I could go forward I needed to surrender my need for recognition and affirmation from the world. He brought to mind his name spoken by Hagar – El Roi.

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” Genesis 16:13 ESV

My lesson wasn’t over. My friend posted a link to a song on YouTube, which she has done many times and it has always been such a salve to my soul. This time I was shattered. I saw the worshippers pouring out their hearts in a huge church and I was jealous. I wanted to be them, talented, submitted, serving, and surrounded by people who were taken into God’s presence. I wondered if God was bigger in a big church and smaller in a small church. I worship in a small church and now that we are live streaming, I watch it back and have become so critical of every sour note I hear myself sing. I was ready to give up singing altogether.

I was not liking this lesson. I knew where God was taking me, but I kept getting stuck in the mire. Could I surrender my pride? Could I follow God without expectation? He brought me to this next verse:

So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. 1 Corinthians 3:7 ESV

In loving obedience to his leading, I must leave the outcomes to him. In this earthen vessel, called Sandy, abides his glory. What other people think of me is inconsequential in the larger scheme of things; whether I get read, or heard, or liked. Even my own condemnation is false. When I see myself as the daughter of my heavenly Father, his love drives me. I believe his love is what people will receive through me, but in his timing, not mine.

One thought on “I Hope Nobody Reads This

  1. “In this earthen vessel, called Sandy, abides his glory.” I don’t know you sister–but I do know you don’t I? Your heart is filled with the same heart as mine….we share in the same Jesus…and He is doing a wonderful thing in you. Great honest real writing…not just saying that either.

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