Sometimes I don’t want to write what God wants me to write, but it is so obviously orbiting my world.
Today, it is about sexual abuse.
A week and a half ago I had the opportunity to share part of my story with my writing friends as we are taking one of our meetings each month to get to know two of our members better. (Hint number one.) Then on Sunday, our pastor spoke on Scars. (Hint number two.) Today I listened to an interview from an online conference on Forgiveness. (Hint number three.)
With the latter, both the interviewer and the interviewee had been victimized by authority figures and were sharing their journeys through sexual abuse and forgiveness.
I was only half listening thinking that I didn’t need this at this stage of my life and that my story wasn’t like theirs. But then she said something about how she responded to other people and situations in a way she realized was affected by her abuse. How it affected her thoughts and self talk. That was an ah ha moment for me. All the pieces falling into place.
It has been fifty years since my first experience of sexual abuse and forty years since my second. It took me years to even understand that what I had experienced was abuse. I have been through rounds of forgiveness. Surely that wasn’t an issue.
Today I gained some insight into why I have so many emotional handicaps or as I termed, soul scars. I still feel shame. I still don’t trust my decisions. I lack confidence and I don’t feel worthy of success. My value as a person has been tarnished. I let fear live comfortably in my living room.
Most of the time I want to write from a place of healing. This time I am writing from the discovery of something I didn’t know I needed healing from.
What I can offer is this: PAY ATTENTION, GOD IS SPEAKING TO YOU. He speaks through friends, pastors, songs on the radio, email notices, and online conferences. He is not limited.
He provides me rest in rich, green fields beside streams of refreshing water. He soothes my fears; He makes me whole again, steering me off worn, hard paths to roads where truth and righteousness echo His name.Psalm 23:2-3 VOICE
In my instance, I have some healing to do still. Even after so many years. I have to fight the good fight of faith and take my thoughts captive to obey Christ. I wish it were a one-and-done kind of thing but life is messy.
We are all scarred and imperfect. Yet, God delights in us and finds value in a relationship with us. Don’t buy into the lies you tell yourself.
Grace & Peace,