It’s a hard thing to admit. I can’t deny it, though. I have always in my head loved and trusted God. But as I try and listen to what he is teaching me in this season, I can’t grasp it. From January I was learning how he loves me and holds no record of wrongs, yet I couldn’t keep myself from keeping records of wrongs to the point I was appalled at how many judgments I made on a daily basis.
He was telling me to rest in his love, and I understood that resting leads to trusting, and trusting leads to faith, and that faith leads to action. Yet here I am struggling to stay in that mindset of rest. What comes natural to me is analyzing and fretting.
Since the middle of March I have been on a medical leave from my work, I have already extended it once and am fearful I may have to extend it again as my condition seems difficult for my physical therapists (yes, 2 therapists) to address. This leads me to my mind going in a hundred different directions wondering what my future will hold and admitting to myself that I find I am afraid of what God will ask of me. I am afraid I won’t live up to his expectations of trusting my life fully into his plan. Still I hear his voice saying to submit myself to what he has laid out before me. Be honest and trust that I am right where I should be.
So why is it so hard to proceed down the path when I can’t see the whole picture? It’s natural to want to be in control. It’s natural to want to be successful and happy and it seems wrong to be broken and hurting. Patience is equating itself with long-suffering in my world. But I am hanging in there and actually a bit hopeful and excited because I feel myself being drawn closer to God and I know even if I disappoint him at times, he will not disappoint me.
I bought The Passion Translation Bible to read while I am on leave and here is the first passage I read and highlighted: Mark 4:24 Be diligent to understand the meaning behind everything you hear, for as you do, more understanding will be given you. And according to the depth of your longing to understand, much more will be added to you. 25 For those who listen with open hearts will receive more revelation. So that is what I will hold on to as I keep seeking to know my God more and more!