Crumbling Expectations

So my last post was about my beginning a fast of sorts, my concern, and my excitement. I had high hopes that this would be an easy, life changing, Holy Spirit encountering experience. That the hours I had previously spent whiling away my time on my iPad would quickly be replaced with meaningful study and inspirational conversations with God. To my chagrin, that has not been the case so far. I find myself truly missing the stress release the mindless games had afforded me. Our family has been dealt some stressful situations as of late. Between my husbands recent dealings at work and my father-in-laws failing health, I have been left without my support systems. I always have considered myself strong in my faith, which has seen me through tougher situations, but apart from my belief that God can and will see me through this, I am not so put together. 

My husband is an amazing man! I admire him and love him greatly. He works long hours in a high stress job and still comes home and feeds the dog and makes dinner! And now he is spending time after work with his dad, trying to fill in where he can between his brother and sister. Not to mention listening to all my complaints that seem so trivial when I compare it to what he is going through. I end up berating myself for all my weaknesses and my inability to be normal, let alone some kind of spiritual master.

My heart is very much that I would be used by God in people’s lives. That I would show love and kindness beyond my natural ability. That I would somehow be transparent enough that people could see God through me and know that he loves them just as I know he loves me. I know that this self imposed fast is just that. I know that I cannot impress God with what I do, nor gain his favor by performing “spiritual” calisthenics. But I also know that if I draw near to him, he will draw near to me. (James 4:8) I know that there is always more to learn about God and always room for improvement in my spiritual walk. I know if I do settle down enough to spend time with him, he will be there to meet with me. And I know that even when I struggle, he will help me find a way through. 

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